Abandon hope, all souls who dare partake of an afternoon tea bereft of clotted cream.

The quintessentially English condiment, a thick and rich cream perfect for scone anointment, is among the criteria that Queen of Afternoon Tea, a food critic whose TikTok reviews of tea houses have skyrocketed in the last few months, deems requisite for a proper afternoon tea.

Queen of Afternoon Tea, a 40-something woman based in Ontario, Canada, who asked to remain anonymous, has helped guide a new generation of budding gastronomes through the world of afternoon tea, a maximalist, tiered dining experience once reserved — at least on this side of the pond — for Mother’s Day celebrations and demure bachelorette parties.

In just over a year, Queen of Afternoon Tea has amassed more than 267,000 followers on TikTok, with some of her videos garnering millions of views. Her most popular review to date — about a Burlington, Ontario, tea spot — nabbed 8 million views. The pointed, seven-minute review helped fuel a rise in popularity this fall, with a follower count that has quadrupled in the last 30 days.

“It’s pretty overwhelming, to be honest,” she says.

In an era recovering from turgid bro-chef culture, reclaimed wood, the forced-socializing of the dreaded communal table and fast-casual ubiquitousness, afternoon tea offers a refreshing throwback that Queen of Afternoon Tea has helped a new, younger generation discover. (And reminded the rest of us that old-school pleasures became popular for a reason.)

Who is Queen of Afternoon Tea?

Before becoming TikTok famous, Queen of Afternoon Tea founded an Ontario tea room website and accompanying Instagram and Facebook pages. Her love of tea service, for which she credits her grandmother, who introduced her to the charming ritual, soon took her to places like Las Vegas and Miami, where she and her husband checked out the local tea scenes.

A little over a year ago, she started posting her reviews on TikTok, using one of the social media platform’s voice filters to not only help conceal her voice but also create a persona.

“I was trying to decide which filter fit best. I settled on the granny one and have stuck with it,” she says. “Originally, it was really just about me not liking my voice, but then the filter morphed into a personality for me, I guess.”

Since finding fame on TikTok, Queen and her informed opinions have helped a new generation uncover the joys of afternoon tea, teach American audiences about clotted cream (also known as Devonshire cream) and stoke the flames of online discourse.

A tea cup awaits customers at Lisa’s Tea Treasures Tea Room & Gifts Parlour in Campbell. (Nhat V. Meyer/Bay Area News Group)

What’s the literal tea?

Afternoon tea, as opposed to high tea, is the British-born tradition of partaking in freshly brewed tea in the afternoon, traditionally between 3 and 4 p.m., with light fare such as small sandwiches, scones with the aforementioned cream and jam, cakes and pastries. They arrive at the table on a three-tiered serving platter, with sandwiches (finger-sized, preferably) on the bottom, scones in the middle and sweets on top.

High tea, despite its lofty title, has its origins among the working class, who would have a mug or pot of tea with heartier fare, such as meat pies, fish or eggs.

“Its origins stem from when workers came in from the field or when servants downstairs, like the ones in ‘Downton Abbey,’ had finished serving the people upstairs,” she says. “They would have high tea, which would be more meaty and bready, kind of like a supper meal for them.”

High tea gets its name from the tables where it was often served — i.e., high tables, like dining tables or dining counters. “High tea was eaten at a dining room table with higher chairs,” The Queen of Afternoon Tea continues, “as opposed to afternoon tea, which was usually in a salon or a drawing room at the front of the house.”

The ideal afternoon tea

What distinguishes a good afternoon tea from a mediocre one? For starters, the venue should be distinctive. After all, a brief reprieve from daily toil on this mortal coil is what, in part, makes afternoon tea ideal culinary escapism.

“A venue should be unique in some way, if possible,” The Queen says. “I’m kind of a garden-tea girly where there’s lots of bright or natural light, flowers and gardening type things.”

She also gives high marks to high-end hotels that hold afternoon teas. “Of course,” she adds, “not every location is going to score high marks on having an amazing location, and therefore they need to make it up (with) the food.”

The first tier of that fancy, triple-decker serving platter is reserved for savory fare, she says, such as “finger sandwiches or little bites that you eat with your fingers, like hors d’oeuvres, quiches, mini quiches, puff pastries, multiple flavors and textures. That’s a bit different than the origins in England, where it’s mainly just finger sandwiches.”

John Langwell, a flight attendant from San Bruno, and Katrin D’Amico, also a flight attendant from San Bruno, drink tea during lunch at Leland Tea Co. in Burlingame on Feb. 17, 2022. (Shae Hammond/Bay Area News Group)

The second tier should consist of scones, which the Queen of Afternoon Tea considers imperative: “Everybody needs a scone served with proper clotted cream.”

Clotted cream, for the uninitiated, is a slowly thickened cream made with full-fat cow’s milk. It’s cooked with a steam or water bath, then cooled slowly to achieve its texture (think softened cream cheese). During the cooling process, the cream content floats to the surface and forms “clots,” hence the name. The finished product should taste neither tangy nor sweet.

“It doesn’t take like whipping cream, cream cheese, butter, mascarpone or cottage cheese,” The Queen says, in her three-part TikTok series about clotted cream and how to make it yourself.

In an ideal world, every tea room would serve clotted cream. In the real world, many get away with faux versions.

“It’s unfortunate,” she says. “The problem is that most people don’t know what clotted cream is. So a lot of tea rooms pass off some kind of housemade mixture, whatever concoction they’ve created.”

A spoonful of rooibos tea with coconut and lavender begins the steeping process at the Malaya Tea Room in Alameda. (Aric Crabb/Bay Area News Group)

But even more important than the clotted cream is what it’s served with. “Scones and scone accompaniments are what make afternoon tea ‘afternoon tea,’” She says. “Otherwise you’re just having funeral sandwiches and a plate of Christmas cookies.”

The top tier is usually reserved for mini cakes, pastries and jellies. “I like there to be diversity in colors, flavors, shapes and textures,” she say. “I like chocolate, but there should also be a fruit item. There should be something creamy and something with a little bit of crispness or texture to it.”

And there should be an element of surprise. Tea rooms change their menus all the time. The savories vary. The sweets rotate. “The great thing about afternoon tea is that, for me, it’s a surprise. I like that mystery.”

While it’s easy to get caught up in the maximalist offerings at any given afternoon, titular tea is, of course, a key ingredient. High quality loose-leaf tea is very important for afternoon tea — The Queen prefers Earl Grey — but it’s nice to have options, including black, green and herbal.

While most spots get the tea part right, others flail. “There’s a tea room I went to in Las Vegas that completely botched the whole tea business,” she says. “Steeping tea properly — that should be the easiest part.”

The Queen of Afternoon Tea also gives high marks for fresh bread (many places seem to defrost and warm up supermarket rolls, she says), thoughtful and informed service, and tranquil yet stimulating environs.

Customers enjoy afternoon tea at Lisa’s Tea Treasures in Los Altos. (Dai Sugano/Bay Area News Group)

The fickle finger of fame

Her seemingly overnight ascent in the food realm, making her the Keith Lee of afternoon tea, has had some minor drawbacks. For now, she remains anonymous but understands that in today’s digital age, anonymity has turned into a precious resource that few can maintain. And a recent review about a tea room’s cupcakes resulted in a minor dust-up by the owner. The Queen’s fans, who eat up her honest reviews, had their queen’s back.

As with any ethical food critic, Queen of Afternoon Tea pays for her own meals (for now it’s a hobby; she maintains a full-time job outside the tea-verse) and keeps her reviews conscientious and devoid of favoritism.

And she shows a deep respect for and understanding of a ritual that dates back to 1840, when Anna, the seventh Duchess of Bedford, grew peckish around four o’clock and began asking for tea, buttered bread and sweets to tide her over until her fashionably late dinner hour.

What began with a British duchess continues today in tea rooms around the world. At Alexander’s Patisserie in Mountain View and Cupertino, for example, that tea platter might include crab salad finger sandwiches, spinach quiche, blueberry tarts, jasmine peach choux and the all-important scones. At Concord’s Dainteas Afternoon Tea Parlor, the tea service is designed for kids and adults to enjoy together with treats that include corn-cherry scones with lemon curd, deviled egg tea sandwiches, strawberry shortcake and more — and an option to have your little one’s Shirley Temple or chocolate milk served in a teapot.