The Town of Canton can rest easy this morning.

Pay no attention to those two still-unsolved murders involving corrupt local cops in one way or another.

The real menace to the law-abiding citizenry of Canton isn’t murder, it’s… rubber duckies.

And now the Canton Police Department can report a major break-through.

The kingpin of the sinister local rubber-ducky cartel has been brought to justice.

How do you plead, Richard L. Schiffer, Jr., age 65?

At first glance, to the untrained eye, this Schiffer party may appear harmless enough — a grandfather, French-bulldog owner, long-time proprietor of a small business called Canton Fence.

But don’t be fooled by his affable, avuncular pose. It is but a clever ruse.

In fact, Schiffer is Mr. Big, the godfather of an international conspiracy, to wit, throwing tiny rubber duckies and prop money out onto the streets of Canton.

It’s more fallout from the Karen Read murder case. The feds are crawling over this scandal, and their target is neither Schiffer nor Karen Read, who is facing a second trial even though she’s already been acquitted of murder.

Please, don’t ask me to explain how the local cops get around the double jeopardy prohibition in the Constitution. Suffice to say, we’re not in America, we’re in Norfolk County.

The G-men have already done 3,074 pages of reports on the local Keystone Kops’ appalling misconduct in the Karen Read case.

In the other unsolved Canton murder, from 2021, those same feds just charged a depraved Stoughton cop with murdering his pregnant 23-year-old girlfriend.

Per tradition, the Canton police had ruled that heinous crime by their fellow cop a suicide. Professional courtesy…

Sooner or later, though, when cops get this irredeemably corrupt, the population begins to take notice, even in Norfolk County.

Thus, Schiffer posted on his sign outside Canton Fence this large message:

KAREN READ WAS FRAMED!

You may say that’s freedom of speech, protected by the First Amendment. In Norfolk County, however, it’s considered probable cause.

It’s the truth, but Canton cops call it “propaganda.” Really, they do.

After a six-month “investigation” by the Canton PD, Schiffer has now been summoned to Stoughton District Court Oct. 23 to face the consequences of his monstrous conspiracy.

He has been charged with 10 counts, six of which are… littering.

The Canton cops put a hundred times more time and effort into the Rubber Ducky Caper than they did on both murders — combined.

The lead sleuth on the rubber-ducky squad is Det. Tim Taylor, the Inspector Clouseau of Canton.

He is quite proud that he quacked the case. Mr. Big was acting with mallard aforethought. This is all about fowl play. And it is no yolk, er, joke, to the Canton PD.

Taylor has memorialized, as they say, his groundbreaking probe in a 36-page, single-spaced report.

“It has included,” he brags, “letters of preservation, the execution of search warrants, surveillance which included my observation of several crimes committed, witness statements, some of whose identity (sic) is (sic) being withheld at this time due to fear of retribution, similar to that of what is further described throughout this report….”

Retribution? Complaining about murders and endemic police corruption is now considered “retribution?”

According to the CPD report, Schiffer has been the subject of at least five search warrants, in addition to the “preservation orders” to Facebook.

Twice, Taylor has read him his Miranda rights.

In Paragraph 85, the cops list items seized from Schiffer, including “1 Rubber Duck.”

Last May, DA Meatball Morrissey’s “Digital Forensics Division” obtained a warrant to download information from Schiffer’s truck. But in the finest tradition of Troopers Paul and Guarino, Meatball’s minions were utterly defeated by even the simplest technological task.

Fat, drunk and stupid may be no way to go through life, but if you work for Meatball or the Canton PD, it’s a resume enhancer.

Over and over, in his ESL prose, Det. Taylor accuses Schiffer of engaging in “propaganda,” whatever that might be, and which in any event seems to be protected under the Bill of Rights.

Except in Canton.

To bust this international crime ring (Schiffer sent some rubber duckies to the UK), the Canton PD pulled ring-camera videos from so many locations that I lost count.

On April 10, in a multi-agency effort, Canton and Stoughton police converged on Schiffer’s home in Stoughton and conducted a “trash pull.”

“Prior to our arrival…. the rear hopper was emptied. Upon arrival… there was a single trash barrel out front. The contents of the trash barrel were emptied into the rear of the trash truck by me, Detective Taylor. The contents of the barrel were 3 trash bags.”

The Sherlocks of Stoughton and the Columbos of Canton were seeking evidence of the origins of the contraband — the rubber duckies and what Taylor describes as “counterfeit” currency, that is, prop or toy fake money.

“Items retrieved from the trash contents were an empty prescription medication bottle prescribed to Richard Schiffer, a white box, an Amazon package envelope…”

At this point, perhaps you are wondering what the significance of rubber duckies is in the Karen Read scandal. Well, Det. Taylor has developed a “theory of the crime.” It must be very significant, because he puts it in italics over and over again.

In Paragraph 223, Taylor blames the sinister scheme on a statement in January by Karen Read’s lawyer Alan Jackson:

“If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it’s a duck.”

He’s so impressed with his duck theory that he repeats Jackson’s quote, again in italics, on pages 34 and 35.

This is insane. If you wrote this as a Hollywood script, the producer would throw it back and say that not even the dumbest cops can be this stupid, or corrupt.

But in Norfolk County, they can and are.

Just ask MSP Sgt. Yuriy Buhkenik. Or disgraced Trooper Michael Proctor. Or…

In Paragraph 164, on page 22, Det. Taylor ominously notes, “Behavior is escalating.”

I fear he’s correct. It’s past time for the feds to intervene, and de-escalate the escalating behavior with a big round up. One, two, many Matthew Farwells. Lug everybody with a Canton, Stoughton or MSP badge and let a jury on Northern Avenue sort it all out.

One final question: has the Canton PD ever investigated the reported horrific death of a certain adorable chocolate Lab puppy named Wilson that was abandoned by his idiot owner to be baked alive in a sweltering car back in the summer of 2023?

Why have no charges been filed in that atrocious animal-cruelty case?

Can Det. Taylor find time to do some sleuthing on that crime, even if it didn’t involve a single rubber ducky?

Order Howie’s new book, “You Understand American?” at amazon.com or howiecarrshow.com.