(Red Sox President Sam Kennedy, GM Craig Breslow, and Manager Alex Cora spoke with the media Monday. It was a day after the Red Sox ended another season of unmet expectations. John Henry continues to be MIA on the baseball front. Since he isn’t talking, we’re going to do our best to speak for him. Here is our very-not-real, 100% fake, letter from John Henry to Red Sox fans.)

Dear Red Sox Nation:

The Boston Red Sox are for sale.

Just kidding.

You know we don’t sell assets.

Fenway Park has become the biggest ATM in North America.

Let’s have some fun with the numbers.

This season, our paid attendance was 2,659,949.

10th in baseball.

Sure, half were rooting for the other team.

But their credit cards went through.

Our payroll was $190,037,445.

11th in baseball.

These figures are from Spotrac and MLB.

We got more baseball for our money this year.

Success by any measure.

Here’s where it gets even better.

In 2019, our payroll was $229,166,880.

No. 1 in baseball.

But we finished in third place in the AL East, missing the playoffs.

Sound familiar?

Meanwhile, our attendance was 2,924,627.

7th in baseball.

That’s no way to run a business.

You people thought I was kidding when I said it’s expensive to have baseball players.

If you adjust our 2019 payroll for inflation, it equals $281,138,000 today.

We effectively cut our payroll by 39.7% (or $91.11 million in 2024 dollars) between 2019 and 2024. Yet we suffered just a 9.1% drop in attendance.

Brilliant, if I say so myself.

Sure, NESN isn’t what it used to be.

But we got DraftKings.

And check out NESN+.

What a deal!

Our young son set up the app on my phone.

The lad is tack sharp, and only 63 years my junior.

On the field, we have achieved excellence in mediocrity.

We finished 81-81 in 2024.

And we hit the over on our projected total of 80.5 wins.

751 runs scored.

747 runs allowed.

Socratic balance.

This was our best finish since 2021.

And a bargain at that.

Overall, we’re 443-438 since the 2018 World Series (including the postseason).

Patience is all we ask.

Sure, it didn’t take this long to rebuild Europe after World War II.

The Marshall Plan, however, carried no luxury tax threshold.

While we’re not dealing with the Soviet Union, we are looking up at the Evil Empire in the AL East Standings.

“October Baseball” has always been a goal.

But even Wally doesn’t believe that rubbish about the “Third Wild Card.”

If religion is the opiate of the masses, baseball’s Third Wild Card is their crack cocaine.

When I do show up, I simply imagine you all as 2,924,627 Labrador Retrievers lapping up ice cream on a hot summer day.

You made Fenway “America’s Most Beloved Ballpark.”

We appreciate the grace you showed the thousands of Mets, Yankees, Blue Jays and Astros fans who made Fenway their most beloved ballpark.

Not a single stabbing.

As someone who registered to vote in Florida and owns a house on Nantucket, I know what it’s like to be an outsider.

Every charge for each overpriced beer, or slice of gluten-free pizza, pushes all of us at Fenway Sports Group closer to our next conquest: “Saving Professional Golf From The Co-Sponsors Of 9/11.”

We must wring out as much green from our third-place baseball team, 5th-place hockey team, or 1st-place soccer, to bring peace on the greens.

Why do so many of you insist I speak live on the record to reporters?

It’s not like I’m running for president.

State Run Media isn’t as compliant as it used to be.

Even the scribes on our own payroll can’t be kept in line anymore.

(Must get with Linda on that.)

Sam, Alex and Craig/Chaim spoke very eloquently for me on Monday.

What did you expect them to say?

“Ownership won’t pay for talent on the field?”

“John often forgets he has a baseball team?”

“PGA Tour players don’t grow on trees.”

Who needs a closer?

We got a new “bio-mechanist.”

Sam said that FSG buying the Celtics “isn’t on our radar.”

We’d love to buy the Celtics, liquidate their core like Gordon Gekko wanted to do with Bluestar Airlines, and settle for the 8th playoff spot.

Irv wants real money. There will be no hometown discounts. So, we’re out.

But the lack of gratitude and ridiculous expectations carried by you racist cretins are getting on my nerves.

Have you forgotten 2018, 2013, 2007, or 2004?

There’s a nifty Netflix dropping on Oct. 23 reminding everyone that we cared about winning at all costs – 20 years ago.

Some of you are upset I no-showed at Fenway Park Sunday.

Look, I own the Red Sox (I think?), and you couldn’t pay me to watch them after the All-Star Break.

I have been told it marked the final broadcast of radio announcer Joe Castiglione after 42 years.

Did not realize our games were still on the radio.

We must address that issue in next year’s budget.

Why listen to the games when you can watch them in person?

2025 season tickets are on sale.

Opening Day at Fenway Park is just 184 days away.

Let me know how it goes.

(Bill Speros can be reached at bsperos1@gmail.com. He posts on “X” at @BillSperos and @RealOBF.)