Q: My children’s mother has to have surgery. I did not hear this from her, but from the children. Evidently, she has had serious back problems for a while, yet I had no idea. The kids tell me they will be staying with their grandmother for about a month while their mom is recuperating. We share equal custody. Shouldn’t I be asked to weigh in on this? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: Your co-parent is your ally in taking care of your children. If either of you is ill, it is your opportunity to demonstrate to your children that they continue to be safe. Your children must know that if either parent is ill, the other is there to fill in until they are well again.

When parents are together, if there is a family crisis, the family usually sits down together and discusses their plan to go forward. They let the kids know that their parent will be in the hospital for a designated amount of time and what to expect. This is done to keep their children calm and answer any questions they might have.

But parents break up and this approach changes — because the parents’ attitude toward each other changes, not because of a change in the children’s attitude. They are still frightened; they still want to know the plan to go forward and when their lives will return to “normal.”

The whole concept behind bonus family living is to cultivate two loving homes that both support your children. If you do not, when one home is vulnerable, it undermines your children’s sense of security.

This is a time when that “village” we all hear it takes to raise children can spring into action and support each other. It doesn’t matter if the parents are “a couple.”

When co-parents remember to put their children first (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1) they will reach out to one another because they both love their children and they realize their children need both of them—and grandparents, too. That’s good ex-etiquette

Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. /Tribune News Service