The Red Sox are looking for a new radio announcer.

They should hire Joe Isuzu.

Joe was among the most notorious truth-stretchers in TV commercial history.

Joe once told viewers they could save $2 million by simply buying 2,000 Isuzu Troopers at $13,499 a piece (SUVs were much cheaper back then).

Each carried a $1,000 rebate.

Joe claimed the Isuzu Impulse Turbo could go 950 miles per hour.

Then he fired a gun to prove it.

Eventually catching the bullet in his teeth.

Thankfully, Alec Baldwin wasn’t doing commercials in those days.

Gov. Mike Dukakis infamously called George H.W. Bush the “Joe Isuzu of American politics,” during a 1988 presidential debate. Dukakis would finish second. Still better than the 2023 Red Sox.

The Duke is doing well at age 90. The Red Sox at age 123? Not so much.

Isuzu no longer sells cars in the United States. But it still makes them in Japan.

The Red Sox are in no danger of going out of business. But the team is on the verge of becoming as relevant as the Isuzu Pickup among the New England masses.

Joe fixes that.

With Joe on the call, each Red Sox pitcher throws with the accuracy of Pedro Martinez. Each batter swings with the might of Big Papi. There are no errors, just “really good tries.”

Wally Waves replace runs.

Each time “Sweet Caroline” plays, the Red Sox automatically win.

Every victory: “A historic triumph of good over evil.”

Losses. Not here. Just “moral victories for the Local Nine.”

Joe could have handled the whole “full throttle” debacle with ease.

“’Full Throttle?’ Sure. I never said it meant ‘Full Throttle’ in reverse.”

Easy.

Poor Tom Werner. When the subject of “full throttle” came up last week, Werner did his best Torii Hunter imitation. flipping ass over teakettle trying to explain himself. He would have been better off trying to tend bar with his old pal Bill Cosby.

Werner’s “full throttle” full meltdown was merely a prelude to the Red Sox Red Wedding Winter Weekend.

Instead of Tom Caron and Johnny “Boom Boom” Papelbon on stage at MGM Springfield, the Red Sox needed Old Joe and Baghdad Bob.

The Red Sox are on track to lower payroll by about $21 million this season, via FanGraphs. And they whiffed on every player of note in which they “showed interest.”

Of course, the Red Sox once “showed interest” in Jackie Robinson, Willie Mays, and Kirby Puckett.

At last weekend’s Red Wedding, the misinformation about signing big-name players turned into a 5th-grade presentation about how Fenway Park is a great place for baseball

Joe couldn’t do any better if he lied.

“First, we recognize the frustration that fans have,” Werner said to the press. “We spend a lot of time trying to figure out ways to bring new fans into the park and have some tickets that are very affordable for students. We spend a lot of time talking about the experience of going to Fenway. We think our record is probably the most important thing, but there are other things that make going to Fenway a special place. And we’ve got to put a better product on the field, and we know that.”

The team’s record is “probably the most important thing.”

Little wonder John Henry doesn’t want to leave his cryogenic chamber. Or his wife’s Instagram feed.

For decades, “Fenway Experience” meant traumatic loss. Thankfully our offspring, and their offspring, were raised in an era of success. The legitimate disappointment felt by previous generations after each failed season has been replaced by a pandemic of apathy.

Interesting how Werner’s full retreat on “full throttle” and President/CEO Sam Kennedy’s public admission that this year’s payroll will be lower than it was last year only came about after the deadline for season ticket renewals had passed.

Meanwhile, Red Sox aired a commercial pushing tickets that featured a voice over of the late Chris Sale, after Sale had been traded to Atlanta. Falcons Head Coach Bill Belichick can throw the ceremonial first pitch on Opening Day at Truist Park against the Diamondbacks on April 5. But they’d have to change the game time to 3:28 p.m.

Surprised one of those Bay State billboard attorneys has not yet rounded up a few season ticket holders for a class-action lawsuit claiming deceptive advertising practices.

Where is Attorney General Maura Healey when we need her?

Don’t feel bad. You didn’t leave the Red Sox, the Red Sox left you.

They’ve finished in last place three out of the past four years. Payroll is set to decline for the second straight season – despite inflation and a boost in the Competitive Balance Tax threshold. Ownership still calls the Mookie Betts “salary dump” a “trade.”

And they replaced Chaim Bloom with Bhaim Cloom.

Kennedy and new GM Craig Breslow were lustily booed in Springfield.

Kennedy was quick to turn on anyone not drinking the spiked Fenway Kool-Aid.

“When we have two sucky seasons like we’ve had, these are natural questions. We have to take them,” Kennedy told WEEI’s Chris Curtis during a Saturday interview from the scene of the crime. “But I can tell you, as a kid who grew up less than a mile from Fenway Park, if you think for one second that we aren’t passionate, committed, dedicated to the Boston Red Sox, you’re wrong, you’re a liar, and I’ll correct you on it, because it’s total BS.”

“Total BS.”

That was going to be the title of my autobiography.

Now, it has become the Red Sox official motto for 2024.

“Total BS.”

Joe Isuzu would have loved it.

Bill Speros (The OG BS) can be reached at bsperos1@gmail.com. He posts on X via @RealOBF and @BillSperos.