If you want to see a meaningless movie featuring “Kingsman” auteur Matthew Vaughn and his German supermodel wife Claudia Schiffer’s cat,  I can’t stop you. In Greece, we meet the decidedly James Bond-like, eponymous hero Agent Argylle, a Kingsman to his core. Played by former Superman Henry Cavill, he is, I’m afraid, little more than his green velvet tunic and widow’s peak buzz cut. At the start, Argylle dances in a nightclub with a Bond-ish beauty named Lagrange (Dua Lipa) mounted on his shoulders with her legs stretched behind his head. Subtlety is not a Vaughn virtue. In the background, we hear Barry White’s “You’re the First, the Last, My Everything.”  At Lagrange’s command everyone in the club points a gun at Argylle, not noticing that they will shoot one another if they fire. What follows is a cliff side chase on motorcycle and motor cart and a lot of gratuitous CGI. Expect more.

Next, in Colorado, we meet Elly Conway aka Rachel Kyle ( Bryce Dallas Howard,), an author reading the latest installment of her “Argylle” series to a worshipful bookstore audience. She is, we are asked to believe, the Ian Fleming of Agent Argylle and she reads what we just saw (she also talks to Argylle in mirrors). Elly lives alone with her beloved Scottish Fold cat Alfie, a name of significance in British film history. She takes Aflie everywhere in a backpack with a kitty window.  Aboard a train, Elly meets agent Aidan (Sam Rockwell, who deserves better). Suddenly, a dozen assassins try to kill Elly. Aidan, who defends Elly, will invoke “Strangers on a Train,” the 1951 Hitchcock classic that manages to do in 1 hour and 41 minutes what “Argylle” cannot accomplish in 2 hours and 19. That is, make sense. Bryan Cranston and Catherine O’Hara show up as Elly’s parents. But are they? At least, they are able to make us laugh (a bit). Ariana DeBose is briefly spotted as Argylle’s Miss Moneypennny. Sofia Boutella, the pop movie master’s Meryl Streep, also appears. Also in the cast are the arguably inevitable John Cena and Samuel L. Jackson.

Like January, February movies come with a big caveat: Beware. “Argylle” is a popcorn movie only if your popcorn was genetically modified. We get pop songs, including the DeBose, Boy George and Nile Rodgers composition “Electric Energy” (the video of this features the entire cast, is better than the film… and much shorter). The villain of “Argylle” is a high-tech operation called the Division. I say the real villain is Apple for spending $200 million on this hooey. Howard and the cat have more chemistry than Howard and Rockwell. The highlight of the film is a John Woo-style shootout with colored gases, ending with Rockwell doing a Patrick Swayze to Howard’s Jennifer Grey a la “Dirty Dancing.” This sequence was a lot more fun than Howard’s ice-skating “murder ballet” on a surface of crude oil. Like most of “Argylle,” that crude oil bit was just annoyingly ridiculous.

(“Argylle” contains sexual innuendo, violence, profanity and action film mayhem)

“Argylle”

Rated PG-13. At the AMC Boston Common, AMC South Bay and suburban theaters

Grade: C+

Henry Cavill, right, in a scene from “Argylle.” (Peter Mountain/Apple-Universal Pictures via AP)