What were your first thoughts this week when you heard that the feds were threatening to strip as much as $8.7 billion in handouts to Harvard University?

Number one, It’s about damn time!

Number two, Why the hell were we ever giving those pampered pukes that kind of money in the first place?

To me, this is personal. I don’t like those bastards. Not everyone at Harvard is a pluperfect bodily orifice but…

The problem is, Harvard hates me, and most likely you too, if you’re reading this. They think they’re better than us because… they check the boxes.

Let’s be blunt about it. Harvard exists solely for the rich and privileged. Maybe once upon a time you had to be somewhat above average in one way or another to get in.

But that was a very long time ago. Walk around Harvard Square and see for yourself who’s there. Meritocracy is… racist.

And there is nobody at Harvard today who comes out of the working classes — absolutely no one.

Some of the students and faculty come from families that have oodles of cash, mostly inherited. All the others are DEI. When it comes to institutionalized racism, which is what DEI is, Harvard in 2025 is a more rabid proponent of American apartheid than Ole Miss was in 1962.

Tell me I’m wrong, disgraced ex-President Claudine Gay, a serial plagiarist so unserious a scholar that she even lifted the acknowledgements in her “dissertation.”

The billionaire Democrat heiress running the Harvard Corporation made her president. When Gay was fired in disgrace a few months later, the white-guilt-ridden Harvard trust-funders handed her a $900,000 job as an extinguished professor.

One way or another, the Harvard swells send working people the tab. We always pay the price for their mistakes. It’s what townies do — clean up the messes left behind by the Beautiful People who get to go to Harvard just because…

When this threat by Trump to cut their $8.7-billion handout was announced, the new president Alan Garber ’76 (as they always refer to their Social Register-like status as alumni) thundered:

“If this funding is stopped, it will halt life-saving research and imperil important scientific research and innovation.”

Really? Perhaps, Comrade Garber ’76, you might consider dipping into Harvard’s $50-plus billion endowment to continue that, uh, life-saving research.

To repeat, Harvard is sitting on a pile of $50 billion (or was, until the last couple of days). So why do they feel entitled to pick the pockets of guys driving around in F-150 trucks and wearing tool belts?

Why must people who work with their hands, serve in the military and go to church on Sundays shell out six-figure salaries for the no-show jobs of a bunch of tenured soy bois and beta males with squirrelly goatees who do nothing but denounce normal Americans for their “toxic masculinity?”

Why doesn’t Harvard start paying its “fair share?”

The first time Trump was president, Harvard and the rest of them got socked with what they thought was a confiscatory tax — 1.4 percent.

The way the eggheads wailed, you’d have thought Trump had personally landed Marine One in Harvard Yard and then imperiously handed out shovels and rakes to all the Fulbright Scholars from the Third World who like to run up and down Mass Ave assaulting Jews and screaming, “From the river to the sea…”

But what do I know? I went to a public university.

However, I am both a former resident and property owner in Cambridge. That means that despite all my racial, socio-economic and class handicaps, I have accomplished something that Harvard University has never, ever done.

I have paid property taxes to the City of Cambridge. And to the City of Boston, for that matter — another thing Harvard doesn’t do, and don’t give me any BS about those miniscule in-lieu-of payments to City Hall.

With Crimson in triumph flashing, ‘mid the strains of victory, the reality is that when the bill comes due, John Harvard and all the other Ivy League schools named after slave traders like Eli Yale and Nicholas Brown have been pulling the old chew ‘n’ screw on the rest of us since 1635.

They’re the biggest freeloaders going. And it’s got to end.

They never stop lecturing us how we must pay higher taxes “for the children” and to repair “the crumbling infrastructure.”

Okay. So let’s start by not giving Harvard any more welfare. You break it, you bought it. Capiche? Let’s give them the opportunity to walk the walk, after they’ve been talking the talk all these centuries.

What exactly is Harvard doing that’s so damn important anyway? Boston Children’s Hospital is part of Harvard Medical School, and you know what they’re into at Children’s these days. Two words: gender affirmation.

The handwriting for Harvard was on the wall Jan. 28 when President Trump issued the executive order headlined with these ominous words:

“Protecting Children from Chemical and Surgical Mutilation.”

Harvard, this means you!

As a teenager, I did apply to Harvard College, but I knew it’d never be arranged.

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There was a guy in the admissions office who’d been on the faculty at my high school. I understood he’d written me off early on as a lower-middle-class townie punk who should have been exiled to Frontier Regional in South Deerfield.

And I in turn thought he was a draft-dodging silver-spooned fop, as shown by the fact that he got hired at Harvard.

In retrospect, we were both right.

I’ll end with a classical reference. In the old days, everyone at Harvard would have understood the allusion I’m about to make. Now, maybe 2 percent tops.

Cato the Elder was a senator in the Roman Republic during the Punic Wars. He’d had it with all the wars against Carthage, and he would close every speech in the Senate with these words:

“Carthago delenda est.”

Carthage must be destroyed.

So here’s a paraphrase that seems apt today:

Harvard delenda est.

Harvard must be destroyed.