If rubber duckies are outlawed, only outlaws will have rubber duckies.

But never fear. The Keystone Kops known as the Massachusetts State Police are on the case, and are determined to rid Norfolk County once and for all of the criminal scourge of… rubber duckies.

The MSP are about to get a new colonel, Geoffrey Noble. Job one for him should be figuring out the mysterious death of the poor cadet in a boxing ring at the academy in New Braintree, and why none of the current brass could be bothered to undertake even a half-hearted investigation for 11 days.

After dealing with that squalid cover-up, Col. Klink, er Noble must confront the overriding obsession of the State Police, at least in Norfolk County.

Rubber duckies in Canton.

Forget all the MSP’s endless other scandals — too numerous to chronicle here.

The troopers are on the job — and their only job appears to be The Rubber Ducky Caper.

Sgt. Yuri Bukhenik is the lead sleuth in the MSP’s elite Rubber Ducky Detail. He’s fresh off losing five days’ vacation for his vile, misogynistic behavior in the recent Karen Read frame up — a resume-enhancer in the MSP.

After Karen Read beat the murder rap, little rubber duckies began appearing in Canton, a spontaneous protest against the corruption of local police and prosecutors.

On the bottom of each tiny ducky was written, among other things – FKR, for Free Karen Read, because even though she was acquitted by the jury, she must stand trial again in January for the same crimes.

It’s Norfolk County. The Bill of Rights no longer applies here.

This heinous rubber-ducky crime wave convulsed Canton all summer. It’s a little town where there have been two unsolved murders since 2021, both involving ethically-challenged cops.

Naturally both of those homicide investigations involving cops were utterly botched by Bukhenik and his fellow Barney Fifes. Professional courtesy…

Murders? Who cares? The real problem is… rubber duckies.

Bukhenik et al. have been seeking a complaint in Stoughton District Court against a young mother of two. She is accused of dropping off one or two of the tiny Free-Karen-Read rubber duckies on a public bench in July.

That bench is near a crappy restaurant owned a local ex-con who happens to be both an elected selectman and a pal of Buhkenik and the rest of the local townie cops.

Among the charges they’re seeking against the young woman is witness intimidation — a felony! For leaving a rubber ducky or two on a public way.

The duckies turned up in July when the woman, who doesn’t even live in Canton, made the mistake of having lunch in the rotten borough with her retired parents.

After the rubber duckies turned up outside the business of the ex-con (he killed a foreign exchange student in a hit-and-run and did six months), the jailbird pol hysterically texted his pal Bukhenik.

Instantly three State Police “detectives” were assigned to investigate the heinous crime of rubber-ducky littering.

The hulking, simian-looking Bukhenik sped to the woman’s home to begin a hysterical interrogation of her in front of her pre-school son.

At the court, along with his application for a felony warrant for rubber-ducky littering, Bukhenik filed a transcript of his knucklehead interview with the young mother. The public transcript was first revealed by Aidan Kearney, known as Turtleboy.

Just the facts ma’am. All dialogue guaranteed verbatim from Stoughton District Court:

Bukhenik: “So I just wanna get it from you where the ducks come from…. So, the ducks you had in your possession, where did they come from?… Where did you get these little ducks?… So you purchased them on Amazon? When did you purchase them?”

After that last question, the shocked woman replies, “I’m starting to feel, like, very uncomfortable.”

This is what your undereducated, undertrained State Police are paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to do, when they’re not embezzling millions in fraudulent OT, overdosing on contraband drugs, illegally selling guns or CDLs, drunkenly killing motorcyclists, brooming cases for junkie children of corrupt judges, or viciously beating up their wives and girlfriends.

Bukhenik: “Did you write the FKR on his, uh, on that duck?

Woman: “I’m not sure. I — I could have.”

Bukhenik: “You could have? So you wrote the FKR on the, on the duck, and, uh, then you left it in front of his (the killer jailbird politician’s) business. You see how that looks?”

It looks like the First Amendment to me. At worst, littering.

Bukhenik: “My superiors are gonna a — wanna know. The court would wanna know, so that’s why I have to ask these questions.”

Woman: “The court? For ducks?”

Bukhenik: “Well, it’s not just ducks. It’s the message.”

The message being, Karen Read was framed. Which is true, and that makes it even more verboten to say. Like the Fifth Amendment, the First Amendment is kaput in Norfolk County.

Bukhenik: “Did you purchase these ducks, uh, uh, for a certain reason? Why — what’s the reason why you purchased these tiny little ducks?”

Young mother: “I have children… We have crates of toys.”

Bukhenik: “You still took it upon yourself to write a message, FKR, Free Karen Read, and leave it on a little duck… You did that! You still, at the very least, littered, you deposited, deposited rubbish in the street.”

Young mother: “Charge me with littering…. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

Bukhenik: “Did you leave any ducks anywhere else?”

Finally, the woman’s husband arrived, to find his wife being stalked by this armed, menacing, $202,000-a-year crewcut fiend. The woman regained her composure enough to push back against his latest misogynistic bullying.

Woman: “I’ve been thinking about, how is this a State Police matter and not a Canton Police matter?”

Bukhenik: “We investigate homicides and this being relative to the homicide investigation…”

Woman: “See, to me this feels like intimidation. I feel intimidated by you showing up at my house with a gun, and all of this for putting down a duck, instead of the Canton Police coming. You come to my house about a, a little duck that was put down.”

Bukhenik: “We have to enforce the laws and maintain order and civil, civil order, uh, in our society ‘cause if we don’t, the next, the next episode of not — I’m not saying with this case, but the next episode that happens will be ten times worse because nothing was done right now! You know?”

In other words, if he doesn’t charge a young mother with a felony for dropping a tiny 79-cent rubber ducky near a connected jailbird killer’s business, pretty soon there will be… 10 rubber duckies on that bench.

Bukhenik: “You left a duck with a clear and concise message of FKR, Free Karen Read, on the duck. So you have very, very small portion of this, but it’s the totality of it…”

At the end, Bukhenik had the audacity to deliver a “Scared Straight” lecture to the young mother:

“Hopefully you don’t re-offend, or don’t, you know, take action that would rise to the same level of, uh, intimidation or harassment.”

Intimidation? Re-offend? With a rubber ducky? Finally, her husband stepped up and told off the unhinged thug.

“You need to stop!”

Col. Noble, you need to stop this! You need to get rid of every one of these disgraced, bent troopers in Norfolk County and wherever else they’re violating the civil rights of innocent citizens.

The next time some cop groupie tells you the State Police are getting a bum rap just because of a few hundred bad apples, remember two words:

Rubber duckies.

Order Howie’s new book, “You Understand American?” at amazon.com or howiecarrshow.com.

A partial transcript of Massachusetts State Police Sgt. Yuri Bukhenik’s interrogation. (iStock/Getty photo illustration by Flint McColgan/Boston Herald)