Q. My co-parent and I are having trouble deciding how to celebrate the Christmas holidays with the children.

I would like to exchange the kids on Christmas Day at noon so they can be with us both. She would like to spend the holidays with her parents about 3 hours away, which would require that she take the kids a day before Christmas and return the day after.

I know the kids love their grandparents, but I don’t think it’s fair. I asked the kids what they wanted to do, and they said stay with me. She said she also asked the kids, and they said stay with her. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: Even though court ordered parenting plans are supposedly written “in the best interest of the children,” the truth is, parenting plans are written for the parents. It’s difficult for children to do things like get up in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner because they are scheduled to be at the other parent’s home at a specific time.

You and mom both committed the No. 1 co-parenting blunder out there: You both asked the children to pick between the two of you—and they picked you both.

Why? Because that’s the truth. They probably want to be with both of you. Kids don’t care about all the drama behind the decision. They just want a decision. If you and mom put your heads together and make a plan, then communicate to the children that you have both agreed to the plan, the kids will line up.

Where the compromise lies in this debacle is up to you and mom. I can offer an idea. Many co-parents no longer alternate Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but alternate both days — Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. So, in even years the kids would be with you for two or three days and odd years with mom. This way, mom and the kids can visit with her parents every other year and you have a few days alone with them every other year as well.

Being open to compromise and being flexible as the kids get older is the best ex-etiquette possible. Do your best. Happy holidays.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service