Q: I think continuing to interact with an ex after a breakup is unnatural. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I rarely saw my dad after that, and I turned out just fine. My kids will be fine too. So why is everyone making such a big deal about getting along after as breakup? It’s over.

A: For many adults, divorce meant disappearance. One parent faded out; holidays were split cleanly down the middle, and emotional distance became the new normal. You adapted. You survived. You grew up.

But here is the quiet truth: Surviving is not the same as thriving.

When adults say, “I turned out fine,” what they often mean is, “I learned how to carry loss without talking about it.” Children are extraordinarily resilient, but they are also extraordinarily observant. When a parent vanishes from daily life, children don’t just lose contact. They lose access to half of their history, half of their story and sometimes half of their sense of safety.

Children do not need parents who like each other. They need parents who can coexist without placing the kids in the middle. They need parents who put them first.

When parents disengage entirely, children become the bridge. They carry information, tension, guilt and sometimes responsibility far beyond their years.

Practicing good ex-etiquette changes that pattern.

It says:

My child should not be the messenger.

My child should not have to choose sides.

My child should not have to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t.

Your children will adapt to whatever environment you offer them. The question isn’t whether they will survive, because they will. The real question is whether your children will grow up thinking people just vanish from their lives or that relationships can change shape and still be dependable, continuing to offer safety, love, continuity and respect, even when the family looks different. That’s “good behavior after divorce or separation,” and that’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service