By Stephen Zogopoulos, USNN World News

Washington, D.C. – In a stroke of genius that’s equal parts diabolical and deliciously ironic, I’ve cracked the code on America’s immigration conundrum. Forget razor wire, forget amnesty debates, and for heaven’s sake, forget those endless congressional hearings where everyone yells but nothing gets done. The immediate solution to illegal immigration – excuse me, “undocumented entry” for the politically correct crowd – is staring us right in the face: Grant every single one of them citizenship. But with a twist that’ll make your inner partisan cackle.

Here’s the plan, folks: Instant citizenship for all undocumented individuals, no questions asked. The catch? They must register as Republicans upon arrival. That’s requirement numero uno. Number two: They have to vote in every general and midterm election, and – get this – only for Republican candidates. No flipping, no independents, no write-ins for their favorite telenovela star. Straight-ticket GOP or bust.

Now, sit back and watch the magic unfold. Democrats, who’ve long championed open borders as a beacon of compassion (and, let’s be real, a handy voter base boost), would suddenly morph into the most hawkish border enforcers since the invention of the moat. Picture it: Kamala Harris leading chants of “Build that wall!” at rallies. Chuck Schumer on TV, tears in his eyes, demanding mass deportations because “these new citizens are diluting our progressive agenda with all that red-wave voting.” AOC tweeting furiously about how we need to “protect our democracy” from these “imported conservatives.”

It’s brilliant, isn’t it? Overnight, the southern and northern borders would slam shut tighter than a liberal’s wallet at a charity gala for oil tycoons. No more “catch and release” – it’d be “catch and catapult back.” And why? Because nothing motivates a politician like the threat of losing power. Republicans get a fresh influx of loyal voters (hey, gratitude is a powerful thing), and Democrats get… well, motivated to actually fix the system they’ve been virtue-signaling about for decades.

Of course, we’d need some safeguards. Maybe embed microchips in their voter IDs that zap them if they even glance at a Democratic ballot. Or require them to recite the Pledge of Allegiance with a Texas twang. Libs might call this “voter suppression,” but I’d call it “incentive-based patriotism.” After all, if we’re handing out citizenship like candy at a parade, a little party loyalty isn’t too much to ask.

In the end, this isn’t just about immigration – it’s about exposing the hypocrisy baked into our two-party pie. So, to all you undocumented dreamers out there: Come on in, register red, and let’s make America vote again. Just watch those blue states turn purple faster than you can say “gerrymander.”

USNN World News: Where opinions are free, and facts are facts.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical opinion piece. No actual citizenships were granted in the writing of this article, and USNN World News takes no responsibility for any spontaneous border closures or sudden deportations that may result from reading it. Views expressed are those of the author and may contain traces of hyperbole, sarcasm, and zero actual policy advice.