Q: My husband and I have been married for three years. Each of us has a son from a previous marriage, and we have a son together. His son is more animated than I’d like, and I’m having trouble getting close to him. Since he’s only with us every other weekend, it sometimes feels like he’s a guest and I’m babysitting the ex’s child, not part of our shared family. I consider our family to be “my husband, me, my son and our son.” My husband considers the family “the two of us and all three children.” What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: Honest questions like yours take courage. It’s difficult to admit when you’re struggling to connect with a bonus child, especially when you love your spouse and want your home to feel unified. And I understand that learning to love a child who didn’t come from you, doesn’t live with you full-time and represents a former relationship that your partner had before you is not always easy.

First, it takes time.

Second, check your attitude.

How did you and your husband mentally prepare for blending your family? Did you discuss how you will each build a relationship with the other’s child? If the answer is no, which I suspect to be true, then I’m not surprised that you’re struggling. Bonus doesn’t just happen. It is directly proportionate to the amount of energy you put into it.

If you were in my office, I would ask you about this little boy. I would ask about what he likes, his struggles, his concerns. I would ask you how he gets along with his dad and how attached he appears to be to his mom. I would ask you how he gets along with the other boys and how well he seems to be adjusting to the time with your family. I would help you to start looking at all this from his point of view, not yours.

You’re not “babysitting” your husband’s ex-wife’s child. You’re co-creating a family system that includes him, whether he’s there every day or every other weekend. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service