“DEI Cleanup in Aisle 5! DEI Cleanup in Aisle 5! STAT!”

Go woke, go broke.

Brown University is just the latest so-called elite institution to learn the hard way that it’s never a good idea to get rid of merit hiring and instead rely on… that PC Democrat clown posse that was doing slapstick on live TV Thursday night in Providence.

And now the supercilious Ivy League twits try to dodge the consequences of their woke follies.

C’mon down, Zachary Cunha. During the Biden catastrophe, he was the US attorney for Woke, I mean Rhode Island.

And now he comes out of the Brown bullpen, as the school put it Monday, “to assist the University in coordinating with federal, state and local law enforcement agencies.”

In other words, Cunha’s job is to convince the Americans now running the federal government to give Brown’s motley crew of gender-benders, anti-Semites and filthy-rich legacies a good leaving alone.

Cunha is the perfect man for the job. If you want to hide something real good, just stick it in one of Zachary Cunha’s law books. He will leave no stone unturned, except the one the Democrat is hiding under.

Cunha wasn’t hired just because he went to Brown. Anybody can go to Brown, as long as they either check enough protected-class boxes or have billionaire parents who can pick up the $93,000 annual tab.

No, Cunha was hired because he already knows how to broom a DEI scandal.

Does the name Shelley Joseph ring a bell?

As a member of the MA Democrat State Committee from Brookline, she obviously deserved a $207,854.93-a-year part-time hack job as a state judge.

Once appointed, the Democrat apparatchik couldn’t wait to let a career twice-deported illegal-alien criminal Dominican drug dealer out the back door of the Newton courthouse to escape an ICE agent.

Why would she so openly obstruct justice? I told you, she’s a Democrat from Brookline. It was professional courtesy.

She was indicted in the first Trump administration, and undoubtedly would have been convicted, just as the shrew judge in Milwaukee was last week for doing the exact same thing.

But after Biden was installed as president, it became clear that Judge Joseph would never do a day in jail, just like she never missed a paycheck during her two-year vacation, or had to pay a dime of her own legal defense.

Again, professional courtesy.

But even Democrats had to go through the charade of an “investigation” before dropping the slam-dunk charges against their fellow traveler.

Rachael Rollins, then the new US attorney in Boston, couldn’t handle it. She was an even bigger DEI disaster than Joseph. A year later, it would take a DEI HAZMAT unit to clean up her hazardous waste.

So Biden’s corrupt handlers decided that Rollins would recuse herself and the Shelley Joseph case would be taken over by the new Democrat US attorney in Providence, Zachary Cunha, who had previously worked in the Boston office.

Another nationwide search!

It took Cunha approximately 10 minutes to, harrumph, conduct a thorough investigation of his corrupt comrade.

“Its purpose has been to shed light on and, as warranted, to secure accountability for that conduct.”

Wink wink nudge nudge.

“I have concluded that the interests of justice are best served rather than in a continued federal criminal investigation….”

Following orders, Cunha dropped the beyond-a-reasonable-doubt felony charges against the Democrat. Instead, he allowed the corrupt state “authorities” here to totally forget about it. Joseph should already be in prison, which is where the Democrat judge in Milwaukee is going.

So Cunha has the perfect resume for his new gig. He’s got a brand new case to sweep under the rug.

But this is a much worse scandal. This involves three murders, not just one crooked judge, plus an entire cast of cartoonish DEI caricatures he has to cover up for.

Start with the now-suspended college police chief, Rodney Chatman. He’d already been booted out of an earlier job at the University of Utah, and since getting the DEI nod at Brown has endured two votes of no confidence from his force.

By the way, his department in Utah had been buffeted by scandal, including a cop searching for nudes on a female victim’s phone. At Brown, his cops have been accused of slurring women and making racist statements. Stop me if you’ve heard anything like this before….

Chatman eventually sued the University of Utah. Now he’s gotten the bum’s rush again, and I’m thinking his next lawsuit, against Brown, will be filed in three… two… one.

It’s all part of the DEI playbook.

Usually these woke DEI hiring fiascoes just involve stuff like serial plagiarism (the former president of Harvard) or a low-IQ Supreme Court justice who muses aloud about how rifles can fire “800 rounds a second or whatever.”

Unserious people in serious jobs, in other words. Virtue signaling and white guilt, that’s all DEI amounts to.

Have you noticed the pigmentation and gender of the two people who cracked the Brown case that so baffled all the woke Democrat grandees? It was a homeless guy and a “custodian” – a janitor in other words. Both of them white, and probably straight.

Given the hiring policies at Brown and everywhere else, those positions are about as high a white man can expect to ever go in the Ivy League ecosystem these days.

Could that have been part of the problem at Brown, do you think?

A very long time ago, I was admitted to Brown University. But it cost $3,200 a year, and even then there was no way those Social Register snobs were ever going to give any scholarship money to a poor white kid from western Massachusetts.

I ended up going to a state school and it turned out okay, I guess. But I’ve never forgiven them for what they did to me, and I never will.

Rich kid Zachary Cunha may have gotten away with fixing the felony case for his fellow Democrat trust-funder Shelley Joseph. But this is one DEI disaster he and the rest of his pampered puke Democrat buddies won’t be able to finger-point their way out of.

Brown delenda est. Brown must be destroyed.

(Order Howie’s new book, “Mass Corruption, Vol. 1, The Cops,” at amazon.com or howiecarrshow.com/store.)