Q. Even though my divorce has been final for a year, I sometimes like to spend the day with my ex and the kids. Not taking the chance of her saying no, I put the children first and ask the kids how they would feel if I came along. They say it’s fine, so then I tell their mother that I’d like to come along, and the kids want me to. I can tell she’s not happy, but I’m trying to do what the kids want.

Recently she has stopped sharing when they are going on special trips. I think it’s to manipulate the situation because she wants the kids all to herself. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. First, I think you have misunderstood the concept of, “Put the children first.”

Yes, it is the first rule of the 10 Rules of Good Ex-etiquette, but you are using it incorrectly. You are supposed to use the best interest of the children as criteria for your decisions, but you do that along with their other parent — not back that other parent into a corner because you have already spoken with the children.

If she says, “No,” who looks like the bad guy? She does.

Good Ex-etiquette suggests that parents inform each other when they take vacations with the children, but it is not necessary to inform each other of day trips when the children are spending time with you.

It might be a good idea, however, because if there has been discussion about the day trip and the children pass it along to the other parent, you will then be prepared with, “Yes, honey, your mother/father told me. I’m sure you will all have a great time.” Rather than, “Oh, maybe I can come along. Ask your mother/father for me.”

If your co-parenting relationship has evolved to you comfortably going on outings together, that’s great. However, few achieve that goal after only a year and since YOU must manipulate the situation to get what YOU want, even though you are saying you are putting the children first, you are not.

It’s your job to support your children’s time with their other parent. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service