What this state needs is some commonsense drunk-driving-state-rep legislation to get these damn dipso Democrats off the road once and for all.

Everyone knows that if the State House had an actual liquor license, it would have long since padlocked by the vice squad as a public nuisance.

Crime is rampant among the denizens of that infamous building. Think of all the names — the three speakers, Henriquez, Nangle, Flim Flam Flanagan (still only alleged), etc. etc.

But the most common offense on Beacon Hill continues to be driving under the influence, even though most of them are never charged by their local cops because… professional courtesy.

Let’s consider the OUI crime wave, to see if we can determine any patterns.

First, in all stops like this, cops always ask you to submit to a Breathalyzer test. Very few people are stupid enough to agree to this. I could discover only one state rep in recent memory dumb enough to blow into the balloon.

That would be Rep. David LeBoeuf of Worcester. When arrested on the Burgin Parkway in Quincy in 2022 with his front right tire gone, the Democrat dunce gladly took the test. He first blew a 0.329 and then a 0.317 — four times the legal limit.

Why would anyone, let alone an elected official, do something that foolish? The answer is obvious. LeBoeuf is a Harvard man. Have you ever met a Harvard man who knew how to pour you-know-what out of a boot, even if the instructions were written on the heel?

Speaking of which, urine is another recurring theme in this Democrat crime wave. Last week it was Rep. John “Get Off My” Lawn of Watertown.

At the Nashua Street Jail, he almost had an accident, and later “officers observed that the suspect may have urinated on himself as there were wet spots on his shirt and pants.”

Then there was Rep. Paul “Kujo” Kujawski. Twenty years ago, he was House Chairman of Policy and Steering, although he wasn’t too good at steering. He was stopped in Sturbridge on Route 20 and charged with, among other things, open and gross lewdness.

The story was, Kujo urinated on one of the arresting officer’s boots. Years later, one of his political opponents printed a flier with a red fire hydrant. The caption:

“Even dogs know where it’s appropriate to relieve themselves. But State Rep. Paul Kujawski, well….”

Last year, he and a three-time state rep drunk driver by the name of Mark Carron, who even did a six-month stretch, just like Canton selectmen Jailbird Chris Albert, endorsed a fellow Democrat for state rep. I thought I should call Kujo to inquire just how thirsty he and Carron had to have been to endorse this guy.

Kujo immediately brought up that long-ago lewdness charge.

“I never pissed on that state trooper’s boot,” he yelled at me. “Leave me the bleep alone.”

Another recurring theme in these crimes is that the state reps often feel obligated to identify themselves as statesmen. To be expected, I suppose. But then they often deliver comic lines. Back to Kujo. On the evening he ingested his bad ice cube, the cops asked him, “Do you want to go to the hospital.”

“I may have,” he replied.

In 2022, the cops in Quincy asked LeBoeuf where he’d been coming from.

“Massachusetts,” he answered.

The follow up question was, “Where do you think you are?” It was a puzzler.

“Newton?” he asked.

The cops still put the state reps through the sidewalk Olympics. Lawn failed spectacularly last week. It’s hard to do the one-leg stand when you’re legless.

But one test seems to have fallen by the wayside for legislators in recent years — the mental-acuity tests. The last ones seem to have taken place with Sen. Michael Brady, D-Joe Angelo’s Café, in Weymouth in 2018.

At the age of 57, Brady was asked to recite the alphabet.

“BRADY slurred the letters together to get to H, I, J, repeated the letters H, I, J, gave (cops) a look of confusion, then stated Z… In my opinion BRADY failed this test.”

Then the Weymouth cops asked the solon to count backwards from 60 to 40.

“BRADY again started out slurring the numbers and counted from 60 to 50 but kept repeating numbers in the 40’s. BRADY then continued counting into the 30’s before he was finally stopped… In my opinion BRADY failed this test.”

The cops had stopped Sen. Brady after he pulled into the parking lot of a liquor store at 2:30 a.m. I guess it was an instinctual thing, like the swallows returning to Capistrano every spring.

But Democrat reps seem to have a big problem with time. You know what they say. It’s always five o’clock somewhere.

Once, then-Rep. Brian Dempsey got pulled over at 2:30. The cops decided to ask him a trick question. What time is it?

“Midnight?” said Mr. Chairman.

That night, Dempsey claimed he’d only been imbibing cough syrup and codeine-fortified Tylenol. This is another common theme among reps — the night Kujo’s crapulous crony Carron was lugged snoozing at 2 a.m. in a running car in Auburn, police discovered an open container of amber-colored fluid.

The cops asked the statesman what it was.

“Iced latte,” he said.

One thing they all know to do, though, is dummy up. There’s a state law that a drunkard has to tell where he had his last drink. Invariably, all state reps answer “Private residence.” Lawn did it just last week. You never rat out your bartender. It’s professional courtesy.

Why do they keep behaving this way? There’s a state rep from Braintree named Mark Cusack. He’s been involved in a lot of murky incidents over the years. Just ask state auditor Diana DiZoglio. For a while his local nickname was “Repo.” Go figure.

Cusack used to run up huge bar tabs at all the local buckets of blood in Norfolk County — “meetings with constituents,” as he always described his weekend pub crawls. So I pulled his recent campaign-expense reports to see how he’s copping in this post-Lawn era.

Turns out Cusack is still a regular barfly at Beacon Hill joints like Carrie Nation’s and the 21st Amendment (which was also Kujo’s favorite spot back in the day).

In April, Cusack ran up tabs of $835 at the 21st Amendment… but he also took five Ubers.

In May, Cusack spent $335 at Carrie Nation’s, but called Uber twice.

Last month, he dropped another $145 at the 21st Amendment, but grabbed three Ubers and two Lyfts.

The lesson here is, if a honky-tonk hero (or should I say zero?) like Mark Cusack can figure out how to stay out of trouble, why can’t the rest of these lovable losers and no-account boozers?

Anyone who can give me the answer to that question will win a sleeve of Rep. LeBoeuf’s favorite foreign-load nips — Dr. McGillicuddy’s Intense Wild Grape.

What else would you expect? He’s a Harvard man after all.

Booking photo of State Rep. David LeBoeuf.

Paul Kujawski

Mass. State Sen. Michael Brady, D- Brockton.