Q. We are in co-parenting counseling and my ex will tell a story that is almost the exact opposite of what happened. She’s so wrong! I have the text messages to prove it! The counselor is our referee, and we have made no progress. How can two people have such vastly different perceptions of what went on? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. First, why are you surprised that your ex has a different perspective than you do? That’s probably why she’s your ex. Truth be told, perspective has a lot to do with where you are standing at the time.

Consider instant replay in football. A play can be determined as “good” based on point of view. That’s why there are multiple cameras on the field, so the play can be viewed from different perspectives and the call can then be made accurately. So can listening to your co-parent while “putting yourself in their shoes.” (Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 7)

Second, “She’s so wrong!” implies you think you are absolutely right and that, in itself, suggests it’s time to stand back and take a look at YOUR perspective. If being right means more than putting the past issues aside in the name of your children, we’ve uncovered part of the problem right there.

When I hear someone say, “And I have the text messages to prove it!” it’s a good indication that person is a “right fighter” and the argument has morphed from a solution-based disagreement to arguing to prove their point.

How can any of that really help?

It’s great that you are attending co-parenting counseling, but arguing about the past at length rarely improves your co-parenting in the present.

Finally, do you think your kids care which parent was right and which was wrong? All they care about is that you stop fighting and that they feel safe in your care. That should be your primary concern, as well. Put your kids and their needs first. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families.” She can be reached at www.bonusfamilies.com or jann@bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service