Q. I have tried to talk to my co-parent about some concerns I have, but she immediately gets defensive. It turns into a shouting match, and I end up the bad guy. I’m not trying to call her out, I just want to talk about the kids. How can we change this? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. You may not think you are calling her out, but she may feel you are and that’s why you are getting the response you are getting.

I find when couples disagree, and this includes ex-couples, it’s not what they say as much as how they say it. The words they use hit a nerve and rather than listen to the message, they respond to the language used or the timing and that starts a vicious blame cycle. You end up fighting about what was said during the argument rather than the subject that brought you to the table in the first place.

Starting a sentence with “You” followed by something negative makes the person to whom you are speaking feel blamed, as in “You are late!” That’s strike one.

The use of “always” or “never” is subconsciously accusatory and immediately puts people on the defense. They will inevitably come back with, “That’s not true!” or some equivalent statement. Even if it is completely true, most will automatically deny whatever is presented as something that they never or always do. That’s strike two.

Two other commonly confused words are “could” and “would.” “Could” is asking, “Is there a possibility?” “Would” is asking for a favor. So, “Could you stop being late!” asks if there is a possibility that you could stop being late. Of course there is a possibility, but that’s not the issue. Although you believe you are “being honest and straightforward,” which aligns with Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 8, she’s thinking what a jerk you are because you are blaming her for being late. That’s strike three.

You can talk, but emphasize how YOU feel — not what the other person did, or they will automatically go on defense. You can’t co-parent on the defensive.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service