This is a pop quiz to test your understanding of the criminal-justice system in Massachusetts.

Our case study involves two sticky-fingered felons. One of them is going to prison, one of them isn’t. Which is which?

Felon A is a convicted welfare cheat — $30,120 — and income-tax evader (about $50,000). He is a Republican. (How many more hints do you need?)

Felon B is a convicted embezzler — $945,462.43. He is not a Republican.

Not a difficult test, was it? The Republican, a knucklehead ex-state senator from Fitchburg named Dean Tran, will be sentenced in federal court Jan. 17. Most likely he gets prison time, not much, but as an example.

The non-Republican is a disbarred lawyer named Andrew Piltser Cowan. He stole almost a million from the accounts of three of his clients. Not only did he get no jail time — not a day! — but he was ordered to pay restitution at the rate of $1,000 a month.

He’s 42 years old, so at that rate of “restitution,” he’ll be 112 years old before he repays all the money he stole.

For those who haven’t been paying attention to the dual system of so-called justice in Massachusetts, illegal aliens are no longer the only protected class issued permanent get-out-of-jail free cards.

Millions of other self-proclaimed victims no longer have to worry about what used to be known as the long arm of the law.

Let us consider some of the box-checking advantages that Andrew William Piltser Cowan had going for him as he embarked on his life of crime.

Uses “they/them” pronouns.
As the honorific in front of surname, instead of “Mr.” uses “Mx.”
Not from Massachusetts (Iowa).
Has an Ivy League degree (Cornell Law).
Used to be a public defender.
Lives in the “new” Somerville.

With that collection of PC bona fides, forget 900 grand. “They” could have stolen $900 million and nothing would have happened to “them.” Not in modern-day Massachusetts.

Mx. checks almost as many woke boxes as Gov. Maura Healey’s dear friends who own or run Spinelli’s or BlueHub Capital or get appointed to the SJC. Total pass, every time. And if you even mention their very special treatment, then you are a… well, you know what they’ll call you.

It used to be said that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. The updated version is, It’s not who you are, it’s who you identify as.

Poor Dean Tran — Felon A. He (for that is indeed his pronoun) is just another Third World flim-flam man. He happens to be married not to a spouse, but to a woman. His honorific is “Ex-Sen.,” not Mx.

Too late, Dean Tran figured out that he too should get in on the victim sweepstakes, where no one ever loses, and everybody gets reparations in one form or another. In his latest court filing, Tran claims he recently witnessed a shooting and is therefore suffering from PTSD or something.

Tran’s big problem is that he got lugged by the feds. Even before Jan. 20, the criminals don’t run nearly as wild at the federal level as they do in the woke state courts.

Not that there aren’t problems with the local G-men. Remember Monica Cannon-Grant, the obese racial grifter and subject of innumerable puff pieces in regime-controlled media?

She was indicted on corruption charges in March 2022. Her current trial date is scheduled for Oct. 14, 2025. Whatever happened to justice delayed is justice denied?

But if you really want to prosper as a criminal and never have to worry about punishment, stick to the state level. DEI uber alles.

Getting back to Mx. Piltser Cowan, the Commonwealth did ask, pro forma, for prison time — two to three years. But sometimes prosecutors telegraph their real recommendations, and these days it’s never hard time for one of the comrades.

For instance, the judge was told that at least one of the victims had already been “made whole” by the Client Security Board, which covers theft by crooked lawyers, one of the few growth industries during the Biden kleptocracy.

Then there was the sentencing judge himself, James Budreau, of Jamaica Plain. He was appointed to the bench in 2021 after a nationwide search that included $1,750 cash to the guy who gave him his $207,855-a-year early retirement, Charlie Baker.

It was a much better investment than the $1,500 Budreau had handed to Deval Patrick in earlier attempts to join the gainfully unemployed judicial community.

Before he died and went to heaven, Budreau had one very famous client — Whitey Bulger. How much more do you need to know?

A hack’s hack like Budreau can read the legalese shorthand. In the prosecutor’s memorandum, all he needed to see was this sentence: “In 2018, Mx. Cowan married their current spouse CJ Piltser Cowan.”

In other words, “they” are one of us.

This case was so in the satchel that the judge even “impounded” Mixmaster’s pre-sentencing memorandum. I guess they didn’t want to hurt “their” feelings. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

Professional courtesy…

I used to say, if I ever get jammed up, I ask for no special treatment. Just treat me like an illegal alien. To that I would now add, “Or like Mx. Andrew Piltser Cowan (they/them).”

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As for Dean Tran, his sentencing is now 12 days away. Is it too late for him to run into probate and family court in Worcester asking for an expedited name-change from “Tran” to “Trans?”

That way, when he goes into court a week from Friday, he can have a ready response when Judge Saylor asks him: “Do you wish to make a statement before sentencing, Mr. Tran?”

He can then stand up and hiss: “The name is ‘Trans,’ judge. ‘Trans.’ And it’s not ‘Mr.’, it’s ‘Mx.’ And I dare you to sentence ‘Mx. Trans’ to anything, you MAGA transphobe you!”

Case dismissed!