This state needs an enema.

I know, Massachusetts always needs an enema, but now more than ever.

For a long time, I’ve said that if I ever get jammed up, I would ask for no special treatment. I would merely request to be treated like an illegal alien.

Now, I would like to amend that plea. If I ever get jammed up, I would ask to be treated like an illegal alien… or a cop.

Could the Barney Fife Industrial Complex give itself any more wet kisses, broomings and passes than they have this week, and it’s only Wednesday?

For starters, a thuggish state cop who speaks in broken English stands by as an even more corrupt underling posts vile messages about a defendant and even “likes” them. He is now found guilty by the MSP of “failing to properly document the inefficiencies of a subordinate.”

Inefficiencies?

The cop – Sgt. Yuriy “Rubber Ducky” Bukhenik – loses five days of vacation. They threw the book at him – a comic book.

Then there was Canton detective Kevin “Fat” Albert, one of the McAlbert brothers. His wrist-slap was losing three days pay for being basically drunk and disorderly on duty with Trooper “Inefficiencies.”

In 2022, Fat Albert and the crooked statie drove to the Cape for a “cold case.” Then they stopped on their way back to Canton for a couple of beers at Tree House Brewing in Sandwich, grabbed some road beers and then detoured to Hanover for a couple more.

All while on duty.

Albert texted about “soaking up” overtime but that was “a tongue-in-cheek joke,” he explained. Then he texted about losing his gun and that too was, you guessed it, a joke.

How many drinks did Fat Albert cop to? “He would take full responsibility for ordering one to two beers.”

Then Det. Albert staggered home after losing, er not losing his gun and had “a couple of IPA’s.”

In the Cantonese dialect, the “investigator” inquired of Fat Albert, exactly how many constitute a couple.

“About two or three.”

Next, the sheriff of Hampden County, Nick Cocchi. He was lugged Saturday night at the MGM Springfield casino. According to the police reports, he was in a state-owned SUV that was missing one tire and a second damaged one. He left it running in the valet parking lot and then ran inside.

According to the State Police report, he claimed the tire was flat because he’d hit a curb, a story not confirmed by surveillance video. He at first said someone else had been driving, then admitted he was the driver.

The sheriff declined police requests to participate in the sidewalk Olympics. Later, at the barracks, he likewise declined to blow into the balloon.

“His speech was slurred,” Lt. Corey Mackey wrote, “and I would smell the odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from his breath and person. I also noted his eyes to be bloodshot and glassy.”

It’s called… the full Canton. Later, the sheriff admitted to coming into the casino carrying a foreign load from the Springfield Country Club, where he had “consumed a couple beers.”

Couple, no doubt, in the traditional Canton meaning of the word.

On Monday morning, in district court, Cocchi pleaded not guilty. Then he quickly flip-flopped and admitted to the traditional sufficient facts.

In the finest tradition of Massachusetts Democrats, the sheriff then received a continued without a finding (CWOF), meaning if he doesn’t get lugged for a year, the charge is expunged.

Lawyers pronounce CWOF as “kwof,” and the lesson is, you can quaff as much as you want and then get a kwof – as long as you can pull out the Boss Hogg card.

All these stories broke Monday. And that of course was the same day that the Deep State finally, grudgingly, kickingly and screamingly appointed a flak-catcher to investigate the mysterious death of a State Police recruit at the academy named Enrique Delgado-Garcia.

It only took 10 days to start that probe after the death was caused by a “medical crisis” – in a boxing ring. Ten days – talk about a “cold case.”

Meanwhile, the Town of Braintree has agreed to pay $14.9 million to a guy who spent 36 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit – stop me if you’ve heard this one before, especially in Norfolk County.

In 1980, Fred Weichel was a wise guy in Southie – so tough that Whitey Bulger wanted to take him off the board, and he did just that, by framing Weichel for a murder he didn’t commit.

Whitey even went to visit Weichel in jail while he was awaiting trial in the local Norfolk County kangaroo court to warn him, “If I can’t get you, I’ll get your mother, brother and sister.”

At a civil trial in 2022, Weichel also testified that Whitey told him “he was going to cut my head off and kick it down the street like a head of lettuce.”

Now the Town of Braintree owes Weichel $15 million for his life in prison. And the last lawyer for Whitey Bulger, the serial killer who put Weichel behind bars, has now been hired as “special prosecutor” for the next scheduled corralling of an innocent person in Norfolk County – the already-acquitted Karen Read.

This is just scratching the surface of the corruption that’s oozing out of the ground here on a daily basis. And not just in Norfolk County, either although right now that’s Ground Zero.

What happens to all these dodgy cops when they finally slink away in shame, you ask?

Well, let’s look at two of the State Police brass who “retired” in the midst of the 2017 round of scandals involving junkies, gang molls, drug dealers, grand-jury perjury and a corrupt district attorney.

Staties Daniel Risteen and Francis Hughes were extras in “The Departed” – a movie sort of about Whitey Bulger. It’s a small world, you know.

Risteen retired in 2018 with a $163,028-a-year pension, and now works for Sean O’Brien at the International Brotherhood of Teamsters for $226,052 a year as “field services director.”

Francis Hughes started collecting his state kiss in the mail of $177,078 a year. He was the beneficiary of a nationwide search from the Teamsters as their new $208,138-a-year “chief investigator.”

If I ever get jammed up, I ask for no special favors. Just treat me like….

(Order Howie’s new book, “You Understand American?” at amazon.com or howiecarrshow.com.)