Q. I have noticed in other columns that you have suggested that parents should be the only ones attending 504 special ed meetings for their children. Bonus parents should not attend. My ex believes his wife should attend, but last time we tried it, she was very opinionated and took over the entire meeting. Our meeting is coming up, and my child’s father is holding out that his wife also attends. Maybe down the road, but after the last meeting, I don’t want to be embarrassed again in front of my child’s teacher. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Truth be told, it’s not a good idea for co-parents and their new partners to attempt attending anything together before they are ready for it. Sounds like you all attempted this before your co-parenting relationship gelled as a team.

Here’s something to consider: If the children go back and forth between the parents’ homes and the bonus parents take an active role in helping them with their schoolwork, then the bonus parents being present at such meetings would be beneficial. However, the rule that I quote most often for this sort of thing is, “Parents make the rules; bonus parents uphold those rules.” (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 4) So, if the bonus parent supports the rules put in place by the parents, she would be an asset at the meeting. If she attempts to establish precedent or openly contradicts parental observations, she would not.

My suggestion is not to look to past performance, but openly discuss what you and your co-parent feel is acceptable behavior from all of you at such meetings from this point on. Don’t point fingers and blame the other. Look for the compromise (Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10).
It may be that she does not attend this one and you will revisit her attendance at the next one. It’s not really about who attends, but how each attendee acts at the meetings. Discuss it, come to a consensus and follow that to a tee. Then you will be working as a team. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families.” /Tribune News Service