Then & Now

GRANDMA PAT, “formerly of rural Roberts, Wisconsin, now of St. Paul”: “I recently opened a box from my closet labeled ‘WWII Washington, D.C.’ My father had been transferred to D.C. by this newspaper to take charge of the Washington Bureau. The younger men who had been there previously had been drafted.

“In the box were ration books for all four of our family members, as well as I.D. cards for admission to the House and Senate. One of these was signed by U.S. Senator (from Minnesota) Joseph Ball. (Bulletin Board interjects: And not just a senator, but also a columnist for your beloved St. Paul Pioneer Press!)

“There were Civil Defense volunteers in our Maryland neighborhood, who patrolled the area during air-raid drills whenever the sirens sounded. If they detected even a bit of light showing at a window, or saw a person out walking with a burning cigarette, they would reprimand them.

“Meat, sugar, gasoline — so many things were rationed; other items were just in short supply. Coffee was supplanted by chicory; rice was used when potatoes were scarce; simple things like safety pins, needles and elastic were hard to find.

“One summer we went to Bethany Beach, Delaware, for vacation. We could walk on the sand, but not on the boardwalks. The boardwalks were patrolled by Navy and Coast Guard men and their German shepherds. It was feared that Nazi ‘frogmen’ would come via submarines and engage in spying or sabotage. Quite often we had young men from Minnesota at our home for a nice meal before they shipped out for Europe.

“There were war-effort posters everywhere: on street corners, in store windows, on buses. They showed Uncle Sam, Rosie the Riveter and slogans like ‘Loose Lips Sink Ships.’

“We heard the voices of Hitler and Mussolini on the radio, and saw them in newsreels at the movie theater. Time, Look and Life magazines provided dramatic photos. During those years, Russia and China were our friends, and Germany, Italy and Japan our enemies. So much change.”

The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon

From BOB WOOLLEY: “Yesterday my girlfriend and I were doing a crossword puzzle. One of the clues we had trouble with was ‘They may be lifesavers.’ We finally deduced that the answer had to be ‘Mae Wests,’ though why was a bit of a mystery. We guessed that older life vests gave the wearer a buxom appearance, and so acquired that nickname. A Google search confirmed that theory.

“After she went home, I looked through my Amazon Video queue to find something to watch. I settled on a weird 1980 movie called ‘The Final Countdown,’ with Martin Sheen and Kirk Douglas. The improbable plot has a modern aircraft carrier encounter a mysterious anomaly west of Hawaii, which sweeps it back in time to mere hours before the Pearl Harbor attack of 1941.

“In one scene, one of the carrier-based pilots is surveying the wreckage of a blown-up yacht. The carrier’s commander asks the pilot whether he sees any survivors. He replies: ‘Affirmative. One, two, three Mae Wests!’

“(Photo of my TV included for proof.)

“This is one of the purest Baader-Meinhofs I’ve ever experienced. It was obscure in its content, completely random, and occurred within the span of less than two hours.”

In memoriam

ZOO LOU of St. Paul: “Subject: The Baritone Mayor.

“Here is a mid-’70s picture I took of the late former Mayor George Latimer while I was working as an information specialist for the City of St. Paul. The photo was taken at the home of the late Max Metzger, who conducted many band concerts at the Como Lakeside Pavilion. I couldn’t find the name of the young singer, but I believe he was going to be featured in a local opera production. As I recall, the Mayor had a pretty decent baritone voice and really enjoyed his duet with this budding Pavarotti.”

Come again? Or: Life in the Service Economy

THE DORYMAN of Prescott, Wis.: “Subject: ‘WHAT?’ could be easier?

“I suffer from advanced hearing loss, due to tinnitus. Readers, nothing helps; please do not respond with solutions; I have heard them all. (Notice what I did there?)

“Because I hate to ask clerks and wait staff to repeat themselves, I try to avoid any questions they may have by providing all the necessary extraneous information.

“I won’t name my favorite bagel supplier, which I visit bimonthly. However, hearing-impaired people with tinnitus might easily mistake it as ‘Boogers.’ I have an ongoing, fairly civil, yet rather dysfunctional, relationship with one of the order takers there. Let me explain in excruciating detail a recent exchange:

“Me: ‘As you know, I have difficulty hearing, and the loud exhaust fan doesn’t help, so I’d like to describe my order without interruption — to avoid you having to repeat questions I might not be able to understand. I’d like . . .’

“Cashier: ‘Well, I’ll have to ask you SOME questions.’

“Me: ‘What?’

“Cashier: ‘I will have to ask you SOME questions.’

“Me: ‘OK, but let’s just try to avoid most of them, to make it easier. I would like to order a baker’s dozen, plain, without cream cheese, sliced . . . and then six raisin cinnamon, sliced as well.’

“Cashier: ‘Do you want all of them plain?’

“Me: ‘What?’

“Cashier: ‘Do you want all of the baker’s dozen plain?’

“Me, unable to resist saying: ‘Yes, that’s what I said.’

“(Things began to get a little icier.)

“Cashier: ‘Do you want all of them sliced?’

“Me: ‘What?’

“Cashier: ‘Do you want all of the dozen sliced?’

“Me, able to resist saying ‘No, only slice every third one’): ‘Yes, please.’

“Cashier: ‘Do you want cream cheese?’

“Me: ‘What?’

“Cashier: ‘Do you want cream cheese?’

“Me: ‘I said no cream cheese.’

“Cashier: ‘I mean on the cinnamon raisin.’

“Me: ‘What?’

“Aren’t you glad you weren’t behind me in line? Booger’s is still my favorite bagel place.”

Modern romance (with bikes) (encore)

BICYCLE BABE of the Midway reports: “September 18, 2024, will mark 25 years to the day since Bikeman Mike and I tied the knot. A lot has happened in those 25 years, but one thing remains the same: We are every bit as in love now as then maybe even more now because of our shared history. We have both retired from our engineering careers, launched two businesses, and have pedaled many miles together. My sainted spouse still brings me breakfast in bed every morning! We still love bicycles as much as ever. As for our wedding gift to each other, the tandem, which was hand-built by a local frame builder, we have likely put at least 10,000miles on it, it still runs as well as ever, and we still keep it parked in our living room. Some things never change.

“In case you don’t have it available, here’s the text of the original Bulletin Board submission for September 18, 1999:

Modern romance (with bikes): Writes BICYCLE BABE of the Midway: “Four years ago I in late spring, a lonely single dad arrived home from work and was met by his teen-age daughter, who handed him a newspaper and said: ‘Dad, it’s time.’ The man looked down at the personal-ads page from the SPPP and saw several items circled under the ‘Women Seeking Men’ category. The ad that caught his eye read: ‘TRAM in training. . .’ It took him a week to get up courage to call. When he heard the voice introduction, he discovered that he had much in common with the lady, so he left a voice-mail message and crossed his fingers. The lady called, and they made a date. He knew it was true love when he saw a bicycle parked in her living room instead of a couch! [Bulletin Board notes: All of his previous lady friends, apparently, had parked their bicycles in their couches.] They became the best of friends and today will be married.

“That lady is me! I won the heart of the most wonderful man on Earth! Mike the bike man and I have shared many smiles over the many miles (including five TRAMs) we have traveled on our bicycles — several thousand miles, at least. We bought a tandem as our wedding gift and will take it on our honeymoon to Vermont. This bicycle trip has been my dream vacation for almost 20 years!

“It just goes to show that dreams do come true, and that it pays to advertise in the SPPP!”

Till death us do part

An item in the Permanent Spousal Record of RUSTY of St. Paul: “Subject: True Love and Clean Plastic.

“This afternoon I repotted a plant on our deck table. I put a sheet of plastic on the table top to catch the wet potting mix. Once done, I hung this sheet up below the deck to hose the dirt off so I could recycle it.

“I did not notice that my wife had hung her newly washed clothes over the deck railing above my plastic to dry on this beautiful summer day.

“I started spraying and heard a ‘HALT!’ order from above.

“This was she telling me I was spraying dirty water up on her newly washed blouse.

“She is Irish American, and just a handful of times in our long years of marriage have I experienced the brunt of her ‘getting her Irish up.’

“Bracing for this possibility, I gave her my best smiley face and said: ‘Well, the good news is the plastic sheet is nice and clean.’

“She screwed up her pretty Irish American face and laughed.

“All was good! And I felt so keen on being married to her.

“This upcoming September 8th, we will have been married 40 years. Add to this the four years of dating prior, and we’re up to 44.

“I am one lucky man.

“Love you, Sweetie!”

The highfalutin pleasures

ELVIS: “Subject: Zoom mess-ups.

“ELVIS was on a large national Zoom call of 20,000 people or so. He enjoys causing trouble with a group of older citizen activists called Third Act (thirdact.org).

“One of the guests on the Zoom was former Secretary of State John Kerry. As he started to talk, like someone on almost every Zoom does, he forgot to take himself off of mute. Elvis could see him talking, but could not hear him. And just like most Zoom calls, someone had to start saying ‘John, you are still on mute! We can’t hear you! You’re on mute, John!’ Finally he figured it out, and had to start over.

“It was a nice humbling moment, to see a famous person screw up just like ELVIS does!”

BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: As with most allegedly “humbling” moments (e.g., celebrities being “humbled” as they are honored), we are baffled here. How is it “humbling” to see a famous person screw up?

Humbling for Kerry, maybe (though that is hard to imagine).

BAND NAME OF THE DAY: Clean Plastic

Your stories are welcome. The address is BB.onward@gmail.com.

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