Q. My son’s fiancee left 18 months ago, taking their two young children with her. The relationship had a number of struggles including immaturity, mental health and his drinking issues. He is told “no” when he asks for visits and sees his kids infrequently. He doesn’t send notes, call or video-chat with the kids. He refuses to consult a lawyer, and the mother hasn’t asked for support. However, he is bitter, angry and feeling victimized. A year ago I started making arrangements with the other grandmother to see the kids. Mom prefers that all communication goes through her mother. When a visit is planned, I always tell my son about it and he joins us. He then takes on the visit as his own. I’m becoming frustrated and resentful and want to start seeing the kids without him. But the children come first, and they need to see their dad! What’s ex-etiquette for grandma?

A. If your son has a history of mental illness and self-medication, it would be predictable that you might be struggling with running defense for him to ensure him some successes. Close relatives of someone as you described often become co-dependent, feeling like if they didn’t get involved, their relative would surely fail. It seems you may be also running defense for your grandchildren, believing that if you were not paving the way for child-father interaction, there would be none — and ultimately, that would hurt the children.

This is understandable, but unsustainable. It’s your responsibility to maintain your own relationship with your grandchildren and it’s up to dad to lay the groundwork for his own relationship with them.

Even though he has some struggles, that’s no excuse for not reaching out. If he needs to go to counseling or see a doctor or hire an attorney to help him organize his life, again, as an adult, that is his responsibility. You may want to seek counseling, as well. Let dad be a parent. You be grandma. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families.”  www.bonusfamilies.com/Tribune News Service