The 134 arrests last week at UMass-Amherst for rioting, trespassing and resisting arrest may have, I regret to say, a “disparate impact” on certain segments of the academic community.

A cursory review of records out of the Eastern Hampshire District Court in Belchertown indicates that many of the arrested belong to one or more of the following protected classes:

The poet community.
The hyphenated last name community.
The they/them/their pronoun-using community.
The vegan/vegetarian community.

These arrest reports are all very preliminary, of course. The initial court appearances for the filthy hippies are continuing every morning. As time goes on, scholars will produce monographs, theses, dissertations, etc. on the identity of these New Age brownshirts.

But let us consider a few of the first man-buns, non-binaries and cannabis-infused Trustafarians who got lugged.

C’mon down, Blue Naomi Sky, charged with riot, failure to disperse and trespassing on state/county property.

She posts on social media about how much she doesn’t want to support genocide and “I intend to work towards reducing my income over the next few years.”

Jail’s the right place to do just that, Blue. Pronouns: “they/them/their.”

She likes to “work with the plants, fungi and animals that live all around us.”

Got that? She works “with” the plants.

Blue has also posted at least one “Egyptian prayer to the sun God.” I’m guessing Hamas is as down on Egyptian sun Gods as they are on Jews, Coptic Christians and Druze, but don’t tell Ms. Sky.

Plants are a recurring theme among the Hamas hippies of Hampshire County.

For instance, Saul Abraham Shanabrook, charged with riot and failure to disperse, has been working on “a database of edible plants.”

Really? Is that anything like a cook book?

When not rioting, Saul is interested in “helping create public access food forests.”

A food forest? You know, we’re putting one of those into downtown Wellesley, into the building where The Gap used to be, near the college.

We’re going to call our new food forest “Shake Shack.”

Then there’s Imtashal Tariq – wonder what attracted her to the genocidal Jew-hating Nazis of Hamas? She’s a graduate student with a “diversity fellowship.” One of her social media pages says that Imtashal is a “global peacemaking specialist.”

Now the global peacemaking specialist has been charged with rioting.

Meet Ian Powell-Palm, “a poet and musician currently splitting his time between Amherst and Bozeman, Montana.”

Not only does he have a hyphenated last name, he’s a poet.

“His work attempts to interrogate familial trauma, sexual identity and the resurrection of the dead.”

On Facebook, the hyphenated poet recalled how “I grew up loosely embracing my bisexuality, but certainly didn’t attempt to meet men until I was in college.”

How do you suppose Powell-Palm would do in Kabul, or in the old days with ISIS in Raqqa?

So many pinches, so little time. I wish I had space to recount the amazing accomplishments of, say, Sigrid Schmalzer, Emma Roth-Wells, Sofia M. Howland Harlow and Kivlighan Montebello, not to mention the two perps named Gabriel, the two Mayas, plus Lucas and Lukas. And don’t forget Elijah, Elihu and Isaiah.

Here are two more arraignments coming up this morning: Sophia Elizabeth Tournas-Hardt and Claire Murphy-Petri. Dammit, Hyphenated Last Names Matter!

These mass arrests were a very big deal at ZooMass, especially on the eve of graduation ceremonies this weekend.

On Tuesday, the $560,000-a-year chancellor of ZooMass, Javier Reyes spoke to the Faculty Senate. He defended his decision to clear out the squalid encampment of poets, hyphenated last names, vegans and global peacemaking specialists.

You must understand that UMass is a public school, operating on a bare-bones budget, which is why another of the speakers on Tuesday, UMass Police Chief Tyrone Parham, only makes $224,000 a year.

The school has a “Demonstration Response and Safety Team,” led by $335,000-a-year vice chancellor Shelly Perdomo-Ahmed. Also addressing the moonbats were senior vice provost Farshid Hajir, who makes $318,952 a year, and Jeff Hescock, the UMass director of emergency management.

By ZooMass standards, Hescock is middle management – he makes a mere $213,385 a year.

Well, you can imagine how all these capitalist-roaders went over with the comrades in the Faculty Senate.

According to the Daily Hampshire Gazette, Laura Briggs, a $184,993-a-year professor in the department of Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies, said she was “horrified” by the roundup of Nazi sympathizers on campus.

Tom Roeper, a $199,628-a-year professor of linguistics, said that perhaps ZooMass’ reparations should include inviting “scholars” from Gaza, not to mention “at least 500 students to UMass to study.”

What could possibly go wrong? Allowing hundreds more genocidal, pro-Nazi Muslim terrorists onto a UMass campus? Remember Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, an “asylee” from a welfare-crazed family of Third World Muslim terrorists.

As part of the fundamental transformation of America, Tsarnaev went to UMass-Dartmouth where he majored in terrorist attacks on American taxpayers at the Boston Marathon.

At ZooMass, they already have a library named after a Communist – W.E.B. DuBois. Maybe they could call the Gaza dorm Hamas Hall, or Tsarnaev Tower.

I wonder how those 500 newly imported terrorists would get along with the bisexual poets with hyphenated last names, or womyn who worship Egyptian sun Gods when not working “with” plants.

Before this is all over, I think ZooMass may need to import a few more global peacemaking specialists who’ve been arrested for rioting.

More diversity fellowships all around!