A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants!

CHERIE D of Inver Grove Heights reports: “Subject: Having the last laugh.

“My friend Jill was good friends with her elderly neighbor Elsa. Elsa had snow-white hair, a bubbly personality and loved the color pink. They would chat over the fence, share homemade cookies and jams and jellies and laugh and giggle at so many things. Elsa was full of fun and had a laugh like tinkling bells.

“Then came the day Elsa passed away, a sad loss for Jill. Jill went to the visitation at the local funeral home. Once inside the main door, Jill saw the room where Elsa was laid out, saw the snow-white hair and, sure enough, a bright pink dress. Jill signed the guest book and went into the room.

“There were just a few other guests who had also come early. Jill went up to kneel at the prie-dieu and at that moment saw that the person she thought was Elsa was not Elsa at all. Jill had no idea who was lying there, but it wasn’t Elsa.

“While Jill was in shock, wondering what had gone wrong, another guest came over, patted Jill’s shoulder and said: ‘Wasn’t Lydia a wonderful woman? How did you know her?’ Jill said ‘We were neighbors,’ smiled and made a hasty retreat.

“In the lobby area, she saw there was another viewing room. There was Elsa, white hair, pink dress. Somewhere, Jill knew Elsa, somewhere, was having the last laugh.”

The Permanent Family Record

JOHN OF BATTLE CREEK writes: “This photo of my mother’s family is from around 1912. My mom, Gertrude, is the baby on the left.

“Grandma Mary and Grandpa John were both from Germany. Grandpa arrived in the U.S. in 1870 at the age of 13. We were told he and two brothers left to escape military conscription, to avoid the war at the time — Bismarck’s war to unite Germany. He was very successful here, eventually owning a saloon at Eighth and Broadway (now I-94), John Froehlingsdorf Liquor House, and rental properties.

“Prohibition came in 1920, and the saloon business suffered. Root-beer sales weren’t enough. He sold beer to an agent. Busted and off to Sandstone Federal Prison for two years. Imagine sending the head of a family to prison for selling beer. When he was not in prison, Mom said he went to daily Mass and twice on Sunday. Some kind of criminal he was.

“At least the family had income property. Before long though, they were called ‘property-poor.’ They had duplexes and houses to rent out, but the Great Depression came, and tenants couldn’t pay their rents. Instead of evicting them, the buildings were sold one at a time to support the family.

“Mom graduated from high school in 1929 and was able to help feed the family with her job at NSP (Northern States Power), now Xcel Energy. Her job at NSP lasted until she was dismissed for getting married in 1940.

“Grandpa died in 1935, and Grandma died in 1946.

“In my youth in the 1950s, we weren’t very well off, either. I heard many times the ‘little food to go around’ Depression stories so much I felt I lived them. To this day, I try not to waste any food.

“Uncle John, on the photo next to mom, developed Parkinson’s while in high school at St. John’s prep school near St. Cloud and was sent home. He lost his artistic ability and lost his dream of being a priest. He lived with us for a time. He became a street peddler. He carried a box with pigeonholes and a strap across his shoulder and sold pencils, erasers, shoelaces, etc. in downtown St. Paul. Parkinson’s left him unsteady, and he would fall on the box and break his ribs. John died tragically in 1955 as a result of the disease.

“Two other boys died in infancy.

“Tony, the eldest, served during World War I, was injured in Europe and walked with a limp for the rest of his life. He married Grace, and they had two daughters. One was childless, and the other had 10 children, numerous grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Tony died in 1952.

“Marie (five years older than Mom) and Ernie had six children and 30 grandchildren and many great- and great-great grandchildren. She lived to be 91.

“Mom lived the longest. She died at age 95 in 2006. She and Jim had six children, six grandchildren and 11 great-grandchildren.”

The frontiers of packaging

DENNIS FROM EAGAN: “Subject: Was I in an auto-parts store?

“I found this en-GIN-e fuel can in Eagan’s Total Wine store on February 5.

“I’d hate to see what its TONIC mix is packaged in.”

Could be verse! . . . 5/7/5 Division

Today’s haikuist is The Doryman of Prescott, Wisconsin: “Subject: 5-7-5 on a frosty Mississippi River morn.

“Anxious Goldeneyes

“Watch fishing Eagles dancing

“In a leaden sky”

This ’n’ that

From KATHY S. of St. Paul: (1) “Subject: A rebirth to celebrate.

“Minneapolis is home to the Uncle Hugo’s/Uncle Edgar’s (science fiction/mystery) bookstore, now in a newish location. It arose ‘from’ the ashes of its earlier incarnation, which burned down after the death of George Floyd.

“They are selling mugs to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Uncle Hugo’s founding, and I had to go get one. I looked in vain for a big ’50’ on the mug, until I was referred to the tiny little type, under the logos, that says: ‘We’ve been bringing you the future for half a century.’

“May they live long and prosper.”

(2) “Recently I wrote about the new TPT program about former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura, which I saw tonight for the first time. It improved my image of Jesse, though I doubt if I would vote for him — and I doubt if he would run. Politics is beyond exhausting.

“In 2002, when Senator Paul Wellstone died in a tragic plane crash, I was unemployed. I had heard that Senator Wellstone was trying to extend unemployment benefits, and I was sitting at home crying. So I went to the Capitol, to grieve with others and pray with leaders representing many religions with which Paul had worked. That night, I wrote something for the Bulletin Board about the gathering.

“Governor Jesse could then appoint a temporary replacement senator — and I was job hunting, so I decided to apply for the job. As I pointed out in my application letter to the governor, I would have become one fewer unemployed Minnesotan. When I read the letter to folks working at my local unemployment office, they found it quite funny, but I did mail it to the governor. I don’t remember if I got even a form letter rejecting me.

“Governor Jesse appointed his friend [Dean Barkley] to the job, and I went on working temp jobs, but it sure would have been wild to spend some days as a senator!”

Everyone’s a critic . . . Headline Division

Email from DONALD: “Subject: Clever headline.

“After Detroit’s loss to San Francisco in the NFL playoffs, this was the headline on the front page of SPORTS in Monday’s Pioneer Press: ‘Lions weep tonight.”’

Could be verse!

EOS writes: “Subject: The Sneeze.

“‘A modicum of decorum, please’ . . .
“my silent prayer before I sneeze.
“But ere the words can reach my lip,
“my body says ‘Nope — let ’er rip!’
“AH . . . CHOO! The loudly boisterous roar
“nearly blows the hinges off the door.”

The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon

BILL OF THE RIVER LAKE reports: “Subject: What are the odds?

“January 26th’s Pioneer Press Word Sleuth was ‘Words Associated With Swans.’ The unlisted hint was ‘BABY SWANS,’ which I didn’t get.

“On Saturday the 27th, I checked out an older novel by J. R. R. Tolkien titled ‘The Story of Kullervo.’ The very first sentence was: ‘In the days (of magic long ago) when magic was yet new, a swan nurtured her brood of cygnets by the banks of a smooth river in the reedy marshland of Sutse.’

“Now I know what a baby swan is called. Coincidence?”

The sign on the road to the cemetery said “Dead End” . . . Electronic Board of the Church on Lexington in Shoreview Division

Our Official Electronic Board of the Church on Lexington in Shoreview Monitor — RED’S OFFSPRING, north of St. Paul — reports: “Subject: Good advice for staying in shape.

“This is the most recent message on the electronic board of the church on Lexington in Shoreview:

“EXERCISE DAILY . . .

“Walk with the Lord”

Know thyself! Plus: The great comebacks

RUSTY of St. Paul: (1) “Subject: Surprise offers.

“My wife and I are retired, so we need to get our kicks where we can, and that often means hanging out in the living room waiting for the mail to arrive midafternoon. And over the last two weeks, our carrier has been wearing shorts during this record-warm ‘winter.’ That is a day brightener.

“Today my wife pounced when she heard our mailbox lid clang. There was only one piece. From Vogue magazine. ‘Surprise Inside!’ it said on the outside of the envelope.

“I thought I’d better open it, as the surprise might mean a sheet of return address labels that I collect and use.

“Nope. It was an offer for one year for $10.

“I had zero interest and told my wife I was going to recycle it. ‘Well, ah, I might want it,’ she said. She likes women’s magazines and fashion.

“The best part, though? There was a small slip of yellow paper in the envelope, which was addressed to ‘RUSTY (insert surname here).’

“It said: ‘You’re the one. We believe that you are the elegant, intelligent woman we are meant to serve. You understand the role fashion plays in the world. You have the grace and energy to seek out the new and valuable.’

“Well, great. I like to think I am in touch with my feminine side, which makes me not a toxic male . . . but I’m RUSTY. I’m still a guy. I’m not sure that I am that ‘elegant, intelligent woman’ and that I ‘understand the role fashion plays in the world.’ I am much simpler than that.

“I DO know that the other day I asked my wife, who sews and sews at her machine (until she thinks the letter carrier is due), to sew a shredded long-sleeved shirt I have, as I think I can get at least three more years out of it.

“‘No!’ she said. ‘This is a rag! I won’t do it!’

“But shreds and holes in my clothes are my understanding of the role fashion plays in the world. At least in my world.”

(2) “My wife and I were exposed to COVID from a funeral after Christmas and took ill on New Year’s Eve. My friend Mike from Boston checked in with me on Day 6 to see how we were doing. I told him we were getting better — and in fact my wife had showered and put on street clothes that very day, so I knew she was on the mend.

“Mike told me: ‘I haven’t showered yet in 2024! It’s my version of “Dry January!”‘”

BAND NAME OF THE DAY: Surprise Inside

Your stories are welcome. The address is BB.onward@gmail.com.

Related Articles

Sunday Bulletin Board: Would he wear those undies to the E.R.? Yes, he would!

Sunday Bulletin Board: Life can still surprise you, even when you’re 93 years old!

Sunday Bulletin Board: The key to fixing stuff: A good, firm slap of the hand!